An Awesome Birthday Present

by Dark Bishop

‘Ass!’ I thought as I unwrapped a birthday present from my best friend, Ramon. He’d done it again. Somehow this prick had gotten me an actually useful, thoughtful gift. I, on the other hand, always seemed to get him standard, boring shit. A dull wallet, plain black socks, a fucking red tie… One year, I even forgot to get him something. A normal, decent person would’ve been upset, or at the very least, disappointed. But no, this smug clown had a broad smile on his face when he told me ‘No worries Nick! I know that you are my friend and, after all, presents are for boring people right? Our friendship is above all that material stuff’. Like hell it is!

Luckily for me, his birthday was only about a month after mine, and this year I was determined to get him something he’d freaking love. At the very least, a present that forced him to really thank me for it. Gosh, I just wanted to humiliate him. But how the hell was I going to accomplish that? Ramon was one of those guys who seemed to have everything in life. This dipshit managed to enjoy reading, watching movies, playing games and nerdy stuff like that, but somehow he also took pleasure hanging out with his family, working out and doing charitable stuff. Conceited schmuck. I realized that I needed some inside help so I called Ramona, his wife. I had to ensure she wouldn’t tell Ramon I’d called by blackmailing her with some nude pics I’d taken the last time we slept together.

‘He really wants this navy blue ninja costume’, she said, nonchalantly.

‘What the hell?’ I blurted.

‘I’m not kidding. He wants to cosplay or something’.

‘Of fucking course he wants to cosplay’ I thought while I painfully imagined him winning a cosplay contest because why the fuck not. In any case, the stupid ninja costume was all I had so I went with it.

‘Happy birthday Ramon! To my very best friend in the world’ I said.

‘Gee thanks Nick! You didn’t have to’.

‘You wish you fuck’ I whispered.

‘What’s that?’

‘Nothing bro. I’m just hoping you’ll like it’

‘I wonder if it’s something different. Doesn’t feel like a wallet or some socks for sure.’ I felt like punching him in the damn face.

‘No man check it out! I… I really think you’ll be surprised’

‘Oh Nick, what is…? A navy blue ninja costume?’

‘That’s right! Might come in handy maybe?’ I smirked triumphantly.

‘Oh my god Nick this would’ve been perfect for last week’s Ninja Comicon!’

‘You bet! Wait what… do you mean last week’s?’

‘Oh yeah! You should’ve been there! I won first place with my ninja costume’. I was speechless. Like a dumbass, I excused myself and left the room without another word.

A couple of days later, I saw Ramon through his window. He was folding the ridiculous ninja costume I gave him. Then I saw him putting it next to what looked suspiciously like a dull wallet, some plain black socks and a fucking red tie.

‘Next year, you assface. Ima fucking buy you an awesome birthday present if it kills me’.